FLYING TOMATO!

FLYING TOMATO!, originally uploaded by jolinjojobeans.

(waits for hysterical laughter to dies down)

…

(still waiting)

… yes. this is how red I get after ONE margarita. The monkey face photo pose is natural. I can’t take pictures without making some stupid face.

But LOOK HOW RED I GET!!!!!! Compare to Adele (in middle) whose tofu blue skin has had no contamination of alcohol and Mike Blumenthal whose caucasian genes are predsiposed to absorbing alcohol. It is believed that if caucasians do not consume at least a bottle of alcohol a day their skin becomes transparent and you can see through their pancreas. Therefore alcohol consumption is necessary to avoid unnecessary run-ins among translucent caucasians.

I used to be allergic to ALL alcohol… beer, wine, vodka, rum, you name it. For years my sympathetic friends tried to run tests (me being guinea pig) to see what I could possibly NOT be allergic to. I’ve been to the Emergency Room three times due to hives from alcohol. I’ve also been to an allergist to see if anything could be done about the hives. Nothing really worked. It was so disappointing to be in Rome a semester and not be able to drink all that fabulous wine. And being the only sober one in a party full of drunken ***holes is not very fun, especially at closing time when everyone and their mother is drunk off their rocker and you have to deal with them. But I’m nothing if not determined.

Every year I put in at least one big effort toward the cause (hence so many ER visits) and it finally paid off! last summer I discovered that i can drink Baileys. then over Christmas I found another drink I was not allergic to (well, okay, not SOOOO allergic to) – lambic! then sangria, and most recently I’ve grown a penchant for margaritas! I think what is was is that as long as the drink is thoroughly diluted in soda or fruit juice, it helps take the edge off my reaction to it. It doesn’t matter how dilute it is, I STILL get drunk.

Drunk Jolin is like this:
1 minisip = no effect
3 minisips = blush apparent
5 minisips = skin starts glowing bright red
half a glass = starts speaking loudly, skin hot and red
3/4 glass = eyes droopy, words slurry
1 glass = passes out

So as you can see, I function much better with no alcohol in me. But if I were to join the party, I’m still a wonderfully cheap date! (and a giant red homing beacon)

bad blogger

I’m really bad at this whole blogging thing aren’t I? I submit posts like once every two weeks. Didn’t start out with those intentions. It’s kinda like my gym membership. really hardcore in January and February but then it starts to taper off as my muscles start ripping through my seams.. oh sorry, that’s not me. I meant to write “…determination inevtiably wanes”.

Can I just say though that if only I had a pool to go to, I’d DEFINITELY exercize more (no? that claim has lost it’s credibility too huh? you know me too well). yeah… I’ve had access to pools the entire of last summer and yet I didn’t make any effort to go. What is it about human nature that compells us to rationalize our laziness? Whay can’t be DO more and TALK less? what a pack of bums.

……..

 Onto another issue.

…….

Introduced SigOther to Ali G last week. Ali G as always funny as ever. I cannot understand how SigOther still managed to fall asleep through bits of it. Ali G is funny as hell! But then again, SigOther always dozes off through movies we watch together. Begining to wonder if I have a boring effect on him. Maybe whenever he is within 3-foot radius of me, he instantly lapses into coma. Possibility….

I’m like that bald kid in XMen3. If you come too close you lose all your powers. yeaaah! *eyes light up* …except my power is to bore you to sleep. eh, I’ll take what i can get.

Anyway. Ali G. He came over to the US and made an American version of his talk show, with Borat, the flaming Eurotrash dude and whoever else. The American version really sucked. SigOther accidentally netflixed that instead of the Movie and was put-off by how lame the show was. I don’t blame him. What makes Ali-G tick is the reaction he gets from the stiff upper lipped Brits when he says outrageous things. The Americans all just played along or called him out on his obnoxiousness. That’s why you gotta love the polite Brits! they’re spanking adorable what!

*spanks imaginary British person*

Konichiwa, Baby!

So last Sunday was mother's day and since my own mother is halfway across the world I like to tell people I "borrow" SigOther's mom instead. Actually, I've been "borrowing" his family events ever since Thanksgiving now and although it's not as large a family (not many people's are compared to my army of 25-plus or minus – I lost count -cousins) as I'm used to when there's any family event back home, there's still ample supply of amusement. There always is when kids are in the picture.

 Let's start with some background. His family is Italian American through and through. There's a squidge of Jewish in there somewhere but it's pretty much Italian. They live in Jersey and I'm pretty sure Jersey is a large Italian stronghold. (Warning: Stereotypes and broad generalizations ahead). Philly is more diverse (although Penn's campus hosts at least 50% of Philly's asians) but suburban New Jersey definitely is white white WHITE. My very presence adds a 50% increase to the Asian demographic on Long Beach Island.

So you can imagine my doubts when I was told we were going to a Japanese hibachi grill (that's teppanyaki to my fellow Malaysian readers) in Jersey for mother's day lunch (cue raised eyebrows and pursed lips). When we got there I was positive my doubts were founded. The restaurant blended into it's suburban stripmall-esque surroundings. It's main attempt at hinting at it's cultural difference was the one miniature stone shrine at the front door.

 But lo and behold. We stepped in and the entire inside was decked out in pseudo japanism. It had the low rise tables with tatami mat seats et all. (Except that this version has a 3 foot pit for you to fit your legs into so you wouldn't have to sit cross legged on the floor – what a cop out!) And I discovered where the entire Asian population of New Jersey camps out. They all work at restaurants! I think they were Hongkies ( not derogatory, this means "people from Hong Kong") but in America we're all one lump race anyway. Chintaihongsingmalvietjapkorcambofilisian. Interestingly, Indians are not considered Asian. And don't ask me where the Malays and Indonesians fit in.

But I digress.

So, we're taken to our seats by a nice Chintaihongsingmalvietjapkorcambofilisian waitress and SigOther's little 10 year old cousin gasps in amazement. "Jolin, She looks JUST LIKE YOU!"

*awkward silence across the entire table*

 Yes, just like how most americans look the same to the average chinaman, guess what? Most Americans can't tell the difference from one Asian to another. But you can't admit that these days , not since political correctness came into the picture 10 years ago. So I'm glad we still have the little children to say what we adult folk have to bite our tongues on! I hope they never grow up

It just gets better and better

Good Grief!! I should have know just by their name that this was going to be a catastrophe. But lets provide you a little backstory before I launch into the current disaster.

I blame it all on super fast internet and the boredom of the workday. Combine that with the fever pitch consumerist culture that is America and you have the perfect concoction for an addiction to online shopping. A foray that I am just begining to be dragged into. Now, back home in Malaysia this would never happen, we're still using dial up which is mindbogglingly unreliable and takes forever to upload/download much less trust when you're trying to conduct some purchase transaction ( who knows if your RM600 for an ebay auction item finally went through even after you've filled out countless forms and pages of your credit card info) . No wonder online shopping hasn't picked up there. Everyone would rather get off their butts and go to the store and just pay cash for whatever they needed. Note: NEEDED. yeah… we'll get to that.

Back to my story, it all started about a month ago when I found some good deals for secure digital cards and an extra battery for my camera online. For it being a big city, you can't find any good stores in Philadelphia selling these things that aren't going to cost you an arm and a leg. hence I resorted to amazon and bizrate and all those other giants of the world wide web.

So I found a couple of merchants on bizrate, went through the whole ordering process then this page pops up asking me to fill a survey. I think, oh, what harm can there be? So i fill it up and voila! at the end a nice little popup tells me "You've received 4 FREE subscriptions to any of these magazines of your choice. " Yes, I have to pay a $2 shipping and handling charge but hey, FREE magazines! whopee!!! so what if I already subscribe to National Geographic, Architectural Record,Time and Vogue, I could always use another 4 mags right? So I sign up for NG Traveller, Shop Etc, Newsweek and CosmoGirl which makes 8. I don't know how I decided that I have time to read 8 magazines but apparently I don't think that's a bad idea. (It's FREEEEE!!)

So two days ago I receive the first copy of Cosmo Girl ( I didn't exactly know what it was about, I used to read Seventeen magazine – didn't we all?- and I remember LOVING it so i thought okay, I will probabaly like Cosmo Girl too. I DO indulge in the occasional Cosmo when I'm at the checkout lane at Shoprite) and it's this horrible teenybopper "10 MORE reasons to love Orlando Bloom", "Hot Boy Posters Inside!" kind of publication. *sigh* perhaps it was my desire to CLING to my fast disappearing youth that made me think Cosmo Gril was the kind of magazine for me but I was WRONG.

So today I decided I will call the company up(They're called News SubService by the way…) and see if I can change my magazine selection. Seems easy enough, I'll just pick from the other 60 free mags they had on their list. So I call them up . I'm at work and people are starting to trickle in. It's one of those automated phone services that make you say out loud the your choices instead of pounching in numbers…SO.. I go through the motions:

Phone: Please say 'yes' or 'no' to make your selection. Are you calling about a magazine subscription?
Me: Yes
P:Are you calling to order a new magazine?
M: No
P: Are you calling to cancel a magazine?
M: Yes
P: Please state the name of the magazine you are calling to cancel.
*At this point, more people are walking into the office, I am starting to cringe*
P: Please state the name of the magazine you are calling to cancel.
M: um.. uh…
*My boss is walking in now*
P: I did not catch your selection.Please state the name of the magazine you are calling to cancel.
M: er… um.. Newsweek.

*sigh*……….

So now my boss has walked past but I have cancelled Newsweek instead of Cosmogirl. Now I have to find the operator, a real human being and correct my mistake. I get this nice guy who walks me through the process, very nice and patient-like. "Wow", I think to myself, this is great! So I tell him to reinstate Newsweek and cancel Cosmogirl and I replace that with NG Adventurer. Excellent, I think.

Then he tells me, now I have to pay another $2 for Shipping and handling. What?! can't you just transfer the fee I paid for CG towards this otehr mag instead? No? sigh. fine. it's just $2. I cough up.
Next screen.
"Oh, Maa'm, the screen says that you will continue to get complimentary copies of Cosmogirl anyway til April 2007.
I'm like, "WHAT?!?!"
"Well, we can cancel the delivery but it says here you're entitled to free issues without charge either way".
*sigh*….

So now I have NINE magazine subscriptions. Good Grief!!