Dear Abby..

 A female friend of mine recently came to me with queries on how to go about getting laid. (Why, do you think I'm some sort of expert in this field or something??!) The problem is that it seems a LOT of my single friends (guys and girls) are very kuai these days (ahem – 21 months *koff*koff*) , not seeing enough "action" as Maxim leads you to believe you are ENTITLED TO, nay REQUIRED TO HAVE in your 20's. Well, surprise surprise kids, it's not the 80's anymore, the party's over ( we were just born then anyway) and the reality is that unless you are really that shallow you're NOT getting sexual offers left and right no matter how beautiful, intelligent or possesed of some deep profound quality you are.

So to help my girls out there, here's my summer field guide to getting some.

STEP 1 – Pick one guy. To hurry this process, pick one among the FIRST 10 men you come into contact with at your next social event. (While this does not guarantee quality, this will help with the decision process among you procrastinators out there)

STEP 2 -  Chat him up for 5-10 minutes, determine if he has STDS. (Ease into this subject gently: " What's your name?..Where do you work?..Oh, how interesting, do you know so-and-so? ..What do you like to do in your free time?.. Do you have syphillis? – see, it's really easy) If he's clean, proceeed to step 3.

STEP 3 –  Suggest to go back to his place, pretend to be interested in his
 a) blog
 b) star wars collection
 c) mother's home cooked bak chang
 (whatever it takes)

STEP 4 –  Be upfront (I've read from very reliable sources, ie. FHM and Cosmo – that men like women who make the first move)

STEP 5 –  Do it!! (Hopefully you still remember how to)

STEP 6 – Breathe a sigh of relief, you're done! Congratulations. Now is a good time to sneak out of John/Mike/Ah Keong's house as most men will tend to fall into a coma right after sex. (Sneaking out will also help to avoid the awkward post-sex conversation where you spend 15 minutes trying to scan his room for some envelope or magazine that will remind you what his damned name is.)

Simple, isn't it? Now that you're armed with JOJO's Field Guide, have a great (and safe) summer!

self portrait

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self portrait, originally uploaded by jolinjojobeans.

It’s the return of the Clipboard-of-Fun. Countdown just 5 more days til I’m on a plane bound for Amsterdam! On my way to a 2 week-long holiday in europe.. so I should be relaxed right? Unfortunately the problem with me is that i love love LOOOOOVE to plan things down to the very nanosecond. Especially vacations. 10:20 -plane arrives in Amsterdam. 10:27 -baggage claim carousel 10:29 -immigration control 10:40 meet mom at entrance 10:42 – have fun 10:43 – hail cab. With all the preparation that I’m doing I’m ready to launch a hostile takeover of a small country.

It’s no secret that I’ve been thoroughly compulsive over train schedules, atm locations, museum admission cards.. the works. In some ways I guess it’s good but only if the other party traveling does not care to plan one single thing. Which is good on this trip because my mom (I’m traveling with her) is leaving all the decision making to me and she’s going to just tag along happily. Maybe I just like being in control (gee, you think???). (What are you saying? That I have control issues?!) (So what if I said it?) (I dare you to say it again..) (Why you little..&%^$%#$@&*!*((@$(H^@!!)

*internal mental power struggle*

For instance, right now I’m waiting for confirmation for my hotel room in Paris. the owners of this tiny hotel are so vague with their email, I need CONCRETE BLACK OR WHITE YES OR NO RESPONSE MONSIEUR!!! ARGHHH!!!! how shady.

I need a vacation from all this planning.

*wipes sweat from forehead*

Konichiwa, Baby!

So last Sunday was mother's day and since my own mother is halfway across the world I like to tell people I "borrow" SigOther's mom instead. Actually, I've been "borrowing" his family events ever since Thanksgiving now and although it's not as large a family (not many people's are compared to my army of 25-plus or minus – I lost count -cousins) as I'm used to when there's any family event back home, there's still ample supply of amusement. There always is when kids are in the picture.

 Let's start with some background. His family is Italian American through and through. There's a squidge of Jewish in there somewhere but it's pretty much Italian. They live in Jersey and I'm pretty sure Jersey is a large Italian stronghold. (Warning: Stereotypes and broad generalizations ahead). Philly is more diverse (although Penn's campus hosts at least 50% of Philly's asians) but suburban New Jersey definitely is white white WHITE. My very presence adds a 50% increase to the Asian demographic on Long Beach Island.

So you can imagine my doubts when I was told we were going to a Japanese hibachi grill (that's teppanyaki to my fellow Malaysian readers) in Jersey for mother's day lunch (cue raised eyebrows and pursed lips). When we got there I was positive my doubts were founded. The restaurant blended into it's suburban stripmall-esque surroundings. It's main attempt at hinting at it's cultural difference was the one miniature stone shrine at the front door.

 But lo and behold. We stepped in and the entire inside was decked out in pseudo japanism. It had the low rise tables with tatami mat seats et all. (Except that this version has a 3 foot pit for you to fit your legs into so you wouldn't have to sit cross legged on the floor – what a cop out!) And I discovered where the entire Asian population of New Jersey camps out. They all work at restaurants! I think they were Hongkies ( not derogatory, this means "people from Hong Kong") but in America we're all one lump race anyway. Chintaihongsingmalvietjapkorcambofilisian. Interestingly, Indians are not considered Asian. And don't ask me where the Malays and Indonesians fit in.

But I digress.

So, we're taken to our seats by a nice Chintaihongsingmalvietjapkorcambofilisian waitress and SigOther's little 10 year old cousin gasps in amazement. "Jolin, She looks JUST LIKE YOU!"

*awkward silence across the entire table*

 Yes, just like how most americans look the same to the average chinaman, guess what? Most Americans can't tell the difference from one Asian to another. But you can't admit that these days , not since political correctness came into the picture 10 years ago. So I'm glad we still have the little children to say what we adult folk have to bite our tongues on! I hope they never grow up

It just gets better and better

Good Grief!! I should have know just by their name that this was going to be a catastrophe. But lets provide you a little backstory before I launch into the current disaster.

I blame it all on super fast internet and the boredom of the workday. Combine that with the fever pitch consumerist culture that is America and you have the perfect concoction for an addiction to online shopping. A foray that I am just begining to be dragged into. Now, back home in Malaysia this would never happen, we're still using dial up which is mindbogglingly unreliable and takes forever to upload/download much less trust when you're trying to conduct some purchase transaction ( who knows if your RM600 for an ebay auction item finally went through even after you've filled out countless forms and pages of your credit card info) . No wonder online shopping hasn't picked up there. Everyone would rather get off their butts and go to the store and just pay cash for whatever they needed. Note: NEEDED. yeah… we'll get to that.

Back to my story, it all started about a month ago when I found some good deals for secure digital cards and an extra battery for my camera online. For it being a big city, you can't find any good stores in Philadelphia selling these things that aren't going to cost you an arm and a leg. hence I resorted to amazon and bizrate and all those other giants of the world wide web.

So I found a couple of merchants on bizrate, went through the whole ordering process then this page pops up asking me to fill a survey. I think, oh, what harm can there be? So i fill it up and voila! at the end a nice little popup tells me "You've received 4 FREE subscriptions to any of these magazines of your choice. " Yes, I have to pay a $2 shipping and handling charge but hey, FREE magazines! whopee!!! so what if I already subscribe to National Geographic, Architectural Record,Time and Vogue, I could always use another 4 mags right? So I sign up for NG Traveller, Shop Etc, Newsweek and CosmoGirl which makes 8. I don't know how I decided that I have time to read 8 magazines but apparently I don't think that's a bad idea. (It's FREEEEE!!)

So two days ago I receive the first copy of Cosmo Girl ( I didn't exactly know what it was about, I used to read Seventeen magazine – didn't we all?- and I remember LOVING it so i thought okay, I will probabaly like Cosmo Girl too. I DO indulge in the occasional Cosmo when I'm at the checkout lane at Shoprite) and it's this horrible teenybopper "10 MORE reasons to love Orlando Bloom", "Hot Boy Posters Inside!" kind of publication. *sigh* perhaps it was my desire to CLING to my fast disappearing youth that made me think Cosmo Gril was the kind of magazine for me but I was WRONG.

So today I decided I will call the company up(They're called News SubService by the way…) and see if I can change my magazine selection. Seems easy enough, I'll just pick from the other 60 free mags they had on their list. So I call them up . I'm at work and people are starting to trickle in. It's one of those automated phone services that make you say out loud the your choices instead of pounching in numbers…SO.. I go through the motions:

Phone: Please say 'yes' or 'no' to make your selection. Are you calling about a magazine subscription?
Me: Yes
P:Are you calling to order a new magazine?
M: No
P: Are you calling to cancel a magazine?
M: Yes
P: Please state the name of the magazine you are calling to cancel.
*At this point, more people are walking into the office, I am starting to cringe*
P: Please state the name of the magazine you are calling to cancel.
M: um.. uh…
*My boss is walking in now*
P: I did not catch your selection.Please state the name of the magazine you are calling to cancel.
M: er… um.. Newsweek.

*sigh*……….

So now my boss has walked past but I have cancelled Newsweek instead of Cosmogirl. Now I have to find the operator, a real human being and correct my mistake. I get this nice guy who walks me through the process, very nice and patient-like. "Wow", I think to myself, this is great! So I tell him to reinstate Newsweek and cancel Cosmogirl and I replace that with NG Adventurer. Excellent, I think.

Then he tells me, now I have to pay another $2 for Shipping and handling. What?! can't you just transfer the fee I paid for CG towards this otehr mag instead? No? sigh. fine. it's just $2. I cough up.
Next screen.
"Oh, Maa'm, the screen says that you will continue to get complimentary copies of Cosmogirl anyway til April 2007.
I'm like, "WHAT?!?!"
"Well, we can cancel the delivery but it says here you're entitled to free issues without charge either way".
*sigh*….

So now I have NINE magazine subscriptions. Good Grief!!

POWERTRIP

My day in the sun has arrived! At last, I am about to get my VERY OWN INTERN next week!!!! *eye gleams* Okay, actually it’s going to be my boss’ new intern but I need one more than him anyway. My feet hurt when I walk too far across the office, having an intern to hoist me around on my very own divan would help productivity tremendously. hmm.. wonder what’s new at Crate and Barrel in the Spring Divan line…

oooo, maybe I can even give it a new name. *evil glint* I wonder if it responds better to claps or fingersnaps. Got to practice the fingersnap…

Oh this is so exciting! hurrah! I will compile all of my work this week into neat piles for him/her to do next week. I’ll also prove what a helpful abuser..I mean.. mentor I am by setting an example and collating all my salons phone numbers for him/her so that he/she won’t have to hunt for them when arranging my hair appointments. What could one possibly ask more from an abu..er..mentor?

FINALLY!

Hahahahaha! I never thought I'd see this day. I finally feel vindicated. Was crossing Broad Street tonight (it was my green) and this douchebag made an illegal u-turn and nearly ran straight into me! yikes! And seriously, he stopped 6 inches short of me and scared the shit out of me. I gave him my best glare and thought that would be the end of it but voila! A splitsecond later I hear a piercing cop siren! whoohoo! The cop bolted down the street, made the same u-turn (but for him it's not illegal) and pulled the tool over. MUAHAHHAHAHA! To be accurate, the tool had already pulled over to a valet attendent (which makes me assume he's some arrogant above-the-law  I-can-u-turn-where-I-want type of guy) and was getting out of his car.

 Oooooo! So sweet to think that he was probably trying to impress some chick or be totally suave and instead got ticketed by a cop. MUAHAHAHAHA! Serves you right.

Rockabilly Rules

Oh man! That sucks when your post accidentally gets trashed. And I wrote so well too (don't we all when it's suddenly lost and irretrievable?). I was funny, so witty, oh my god, I was hilarious!If I wasn't already me I would WANT to BE me.

aiyaaa…

so now must post again. here goes (albeit slightly different,probably won't be AS funny…) :

 So Sunday, me and SigOther went to check out this Rockabilly show at Whiskey Dix. What exactly IS a Rockabilly, my intelligent readers might ask (yes, that's you Ee Laine). Well, I offer you the WIKIPEDIA (because it is the forefront of internet reference) definition:

Rockabilly is the earliest form of rock and roll as a distinct style of music. It is a fusion of blues, hillbilly boogie, bluegrass music and country music, and its origins lie in the American South………………….Worthy of mentioning is the fact that devoted followers of Rockabilly music and its fashion are known as Rockabillies, or "Billys" within the "scene." The hairstyle is usually a tame or more exaggerated "pomp" or pompadour hairstyle as was popular with 1950s artists like Buddy Holly, Jerry Lee Lewis and revivalists stars from the '80s, The Stray Cats. This hair style is usually maintained with large amounts of pomade hair wax from traditional brand names like Brylcreem, Black & White Pluko, Murrays, and Layrite. It was rumored that Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash both used Genuine B&W Pomade to hold up their hair with a thick and shiny look.

The clothing is largely reflective of the popular styles worn by the musicians in the 1950s themselves; slacks, pastel colored and Daddy-O styled shirts, baggy coats with the shirt collars worn over the coat collar, creeper shoes in every colour of the spectrum, with black and white being the most popular. …………All have a love and respect of classic American cars, British motorcycles, Rock and Roll, and vintage clothing. And all have a steady and popular revivalist following all over the world.

ah, so now we are all up to speed on what rockabiilies are. I can proceed. Now, if you haven't seen a rockabilly before they're quite a sight. They're usually quite pale with jet black hair, skinny jeans, lots of metal , tattoos and oh,.. they look like they're from the 50's. they're definitely not the Brady Bunch (they eat the Bradys for breakfast) but their style is.

 Philadelphia has a sizeable punk/goth/rockabilly scene but they're usually lurking by the Troc or in the tattoo alleys of South Street. Seldome will you find one of these beautiful freaks in daylight. They melt under direct exposure to sunlight (or maybe it's their pomade). So it was quite bizarre to see them all convened yesterday under glorious Sunday sunshine in some orderly fashion (*gasp* always thought they were antisocial deviants but guess i was wrong, my bad)

There in the lot were dozens of super cool retro americana cars. There were a bunch that looked like Archie's jalopy. remember archie and Jughead? Of course you do.

DSCN2574, originally uploaded by jolinjojobeans.

check out THIS dude! Maybe this is how Archie turns out (does he marry Betty or Veronica?). This guy looks more like Mr Weatherbee. hahahaha! ( I laugh at my own joke, one minute please)

Besides the cars, we stayed long enough to hear two bands which were awesome. This old couple started dancing in front of the stage. they were really rockin' the hillbilly scene in their denim dungarees. whoopah!(gush gush, very cute to see old people dancing)

Now the one thing I saw a lot of was the red cherry imagery all over the place, on clothes, upholstery, tattoos, jewelry. I don't really know the symbolism of the cherry ( I tried looking it up online but the 2 minutes of research wore me out) so if anyone out there (Ee Laine?) knows what it means, let me know.

It was really cool and I woulda uploaded more photos of it but I'm not sure how to besides using flickr and creating a separate post. tsk. So tech-unsavvy. *hangs head in shame*

So, my friends (you both know who you are) will probably have already checked out my kodakgallery online but otherwise I will try to be a clever chickin and upload them later.

Geram

DSCN1588, originally uploaded by jolinjojobeans.

You know those days where you feel there is something inherently wrong but you can't pinpoint exactly what is is that's making you mad? Simply that EVERYTHING and their grandmothers are pissing you off.

You start the morning ticked off because someone insults you within 5 minutes of meeting and you don't retaliate because you always grit your teeth and politely smile instead.

You go to work and your allergies are killing you.

Your workmate derides you for sneezing too much. (I'm sorry I'm allergic!)

She makes you use some remedy that hurts your systema dn you realize that this is America, no one has to put up with this, so why do I??!

YOu get mad at yourself because you are a fool who doesn't stand up for herself.

All sorts of stuff comes rolling back liek conversations where you wish you had retaliated when someone gaev you a backhanded compliment.

You feel moody because all you want to do is sulk in solitude but you have plasn for later in the day and have to make nice about it.

You hate your administrative assistants.

You keep running into people you're trying to avoid and are forced to smile and say hello when you do.

Your lunchhour is spent at your desk because you've agreed to maek up time for a half day that you want to take off the next week for an appointment you are having second thoughts about.

You feel there's nobody you can tell this to because no one understands you.

You wish the day was over.

You wish tomorrow you won't feel this way anymore

Babies and Stocks

It's not a typo, I meant STOCKS. not the bird. What got me thinking about this was the fact that a certain acquaintance is looking to adopt a baby. I admit that I don't know this person's situation very well except that she and her husband have no children of their own and are thus looking to adopt. let's just call this person Tammy. 

 So Tammy's not keeping this a secret and it's a widely known fact that she's going through the process of filing paperwork and doing all teh necessary steps one takes to adopt. Generally I've found Tammy quite harmless but it scares me the couple of things she's said so far in regards to adopting. I'm paraphrasing here but so far she's said to my friend that "adopting is way better than having your own (biological) child because through working through all this paperwork and forms you are more aware of how much you are committed to this baby and how much you love your spouse". WHAAAAA?!?!?!?!!?

Who MAKES such ridiculous claims? You think that because you can wade through all those forms and go through red tape that makes you a better parent or that your kid is more important than a woman who carries her own child to term? When I heard that she had said that I nearly choked. Every child adopted or otherwise is SUPER special and just because you're adopting, there's no need to suddenly sing pure praises about the process and degrade the biological child. What irks me too is that if she was having her own baby, she would probably pooh-pooh the adoptive process. This shallow tactic only exposes her insecurities. Yes, of course she'll have insecurities but better to acknowlegde them than attempt to diminish someone else's achievements to make yourself feel better. It makes me so mad!

I tried to let it go. I discussed it with significant other over dinner and thought that was the end of it. But TODAY she's trotting around now making even more ludicrous remarks. Talking about the baby like it was a commodity to be traded and picked out of catalogs. Like it was some fashion accessory. Arrgh! " hmm, do i want it in pink or blue? Pink goes well with my Manolos and it's a very Spring color…"

She makes adoption look like a damned dog and pony show! grrrr!

*deep breaths*

too cool for school

too cool for school, originally uploaded by jolinjojobeans.

Spring Spring Spring! Arguably my favorite season, along with Fall. I've been here 5 years now and still the changing of seasons enthrall me. A bit jakun but I can't deny my roots! Spring is gorgeous. Trees go from dead dull branches to suddenly being festooned with pink and white blossoms, I hope I'll never be jaded by this.

 Was supposed to meet up with Indira on Saturday but plans fell through so I decided to just go to Manayunk (henceforth known as The Yunk) on my own anyway as planned. I dug out the old sketchbook from my creaky trunk (literally) and shuddered at my last attempt at art.

 "I must improve on this", I said to myself. So self to the R6 to the big Yunk stop and poodled around looking for a worthy view to inaugurate my return to ink on paper.

It didn't turn out as mindblowing as I expected. I am quite rusty now. shucks.

Joined Jim and the beer crew for an afternoon of barhopping through the Yunk. It's pretty.. but really boring after you've trolled main Street once over. I can't imagine getting excited about it every day. Apparently it's liek Pleasantville, people live on lofty clouds out there. This one store had a T-SHIRT priced at $199. Seriously…. WHO PAYS $199 for a t-shirt?!?!?!? They must be deluded. For a plain generic teenage t-shirt. WHO LIVES HERE?!?!?!good grief!